7dp3dt and pee-stickyness on Thursday

With my last cycle, I bought a few fancy HPTs and a bunch of Dollar Store ones. All starkly white and decidedly, heart-wrenchingly negative. Not the faintest hint of anything to give me a sliver of hope.

I had one leftover Dollar Store one, but couldn't bring myself to use it. So on the way home from work, Dh and I stopped by our local drug store to stare at the HPT shelf. The choice wasn't immediately obvious, but in the end we settled on a 3-pack First Res.ponse with a bonus digital stick included.

Dh went for a run, and the pee sticks called my name incessantly. I caved. Before the 3 minutes were up, there was an almost imaginary faint second line. Imaginary, but also indisputable. I tilted it, held it up to the light, ran and grabbed the camera, stared at it a bit more and then starting grinning to myself in the mirror like the Cheshire cat. It's too early and rather inconclusive, but I have this gut feeling that this might be it. No symptoms to back it up other than an occasional twinge, which I had with the BFN cycle too, but I have this feeling of big fat positiveness that I just can't shake.

I started laughing with tears streaming down my face, and at that point, Dh walked in on me. He knew instantly what I was up to. (He knows me better than I know myself.)

Me (whispering so as not to jinx it): "I think I see a very faint second line. I've never ever seen that before."

Him (disbelief): No?!

Me (handing him the stick and trying to be nonchalant): Look for yourself and tell me if you see it.

Him (in under a nano second, without his glasses): I can definitely see it!!

Stunned silence. Holy cow. This is really happening.

He gives me this excited big bear hug and we stare at the stick some more. We take another photo, and I proceed to make excuses to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes for the rest of the night to double, triple, quadruple check that the hint of a line is still there and that I didn't just daydream. It is. But can it be trusted? We shall see.

How on earth will I sleep tonight?

6dp3dt and no symptoms

I've mostly been trying to keep my mind off the fact that I'm waiting for beta. It has consumed me despite my best efforts. Every twinge, every sting, every cramp makes me wonder what, if anything, is going on. Is it AF? Is it implantation? What if it is? What if it isn't? I'm crazy, obsessed and unable to focus on anything else. It's like I have beta ADD.

I've looked at the calendar, counted the days post transfer, added the numbers to figure out the number of days post ovulation (ER day): 6dp3dt = 9dpo. I've looked at the stages of embryo development a million times and have it memorized.

I've looked at my natural me.nstrual cycle on the calendar, tried to figure out when Aunt Flo (AF) would show up if she still knew what my schedule was before the meds messed with it, or if I should be counting my "normal" number of cycle days after AF started at 3dp5d last month.

If we're just comparing cycles, then at 9dpo today, I've already made it a day farther without spotting than with my last IVF cycle (8dpo). (Hooray for Progesterone-in-Oil injections and suppositories.) If I'm counting from last month, then I'm hoping she doesn't arrive this weekend.

I have had no real symptoms to report. I'm not getting much uninterrupted sleep because of the progesterone, and I've woken up every morning this week with my heart fluttering. It's the weirdest feeling, like it's giving an extra beat or three.

Earlier this week, my skin looked almost transparent, and I could see veins I've never noticed before. It was really weird. Maybe the winter has just been too long and my skin needs the Sun, but just as I started getting excited, the blue veins went away. All of the symptoms - tingly bo.obs, twinges - disappear as quickly as they appear.

I'll use a home pregnancy test this weekend, just to start preparing myself for the outcome.

The progesterone injections are going well, but I'm starting to get rather bruised now. Women who continue with the PIO injections for the entire first trimester have my utmost respect.

Purchasing pregnancy tests, and being ready

A girl has to be ready for any and every eventuality. I'm nothing if not a Type A personality who has to be in control at.all.times. I have to know the unknown, and plan the unplannable. This sounds a little Zen, but you know what I mean, right?

I don't have the embies in me yet, and I've already decided to POAS. Those of you who have been in the trenches with at-home TTC, zillions of IUIs and multiple IVFs won't believe this, but I've NEVER purchased a pregnancy test in my life. Dh had a vasectomy before I met him, so there was really no reason to ever suspect that I might be pregnant. Even after the vas reversal, we knew we couldn't get pregnant.

So there we were yesterday: hubby and I pouring over pregnancy tests in the grocery store and debating which ones to get. We were giggling like high school girls buying con.doms. We finally settled on an e.p.t. Certainty, the ones that show "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" digitally. I know I'd drive myself crazy with the "line" ones... and I need more crazy like a hole in the head.

To check whether the trigger is still in my system, I might just get a few el cheapo ones from the D.ollar Store to do daily checks from 6dp5dt onwards. It will give me something to look forward to every day, being the obsessive gal that I am.

The kitchen cupboards are stocked with comfort food, the pineapples are ripe, the pregnancy test is at the ready on the bathroom counter, the chores around the house are done, and the clinic-supplied Val.ium is ready and waiting for tomorrow morning.

Bring it.

Embie update ahead of tomorrow's transfer

We are still a go for a Day 5 transfer tomorrow morning. I'm so excited! I'll be going for an acupuncture treatment directly before and after transfer, and I'm looking forward to being in the moment, and the relaxation that acupuncture will bring. All week long, I've had this inexplicable longing to have my potential babies safely and snugly in my uterus rather than in the cold petri dish. They're not even in my ute yet, let alone born, and I want to snuggle them already.

I've always had a very strong maternal instinct, and knew that I wanted to have kids from a very early age. In fact, I remember telling my mom when I was 5 years old and she was nursing my younger sibling, that I wanted to have kids someday too.

Of the eight embies growing in the petri dish, one arrested yesterday, but seven are still growing. I felt sad and disappointed when I heard that one embie didn't make it. It's somewhat irrational, but I'm already connected to these potential babies.

The 5 Day wait has been excrutiating. I myself was born 3 weeks early, I nagged my mom from age 4 that I wanted to go to elementary school, and this trend continued throughout my life. I graduated high school at age 17, had my first degree before I was 21, and my second degree when I was 22.

I'm the world's least patient person and can relate to Generation Y wanting everything NOW. Good things come to those who wait? No way, man, early bird gets the worm. Yes, yes, early worm gets eaten, I know, but let's focus on the bird, 'kay?

The only upside to a 5 Day transfer is that it has cut down the number of post-transfer waiting days. My clinic's first beta test is two weeks after retrieval, which would be 9dp5dt.

Aah, how far I've come - I remember the first post about IF and TTC lingo and not understanding what the heck those letters and numbers meant! For the newbies: 9dp5dt stands for 9 days post 5 day transfer. Thanks for the rapid education by immersion, everyone.