I'm seeing a pattern (IVF/ICSI #2, stim day 2)

The great news is that I'm already on day 2 of stims and feeling more optimistic than I thought I would. For anyone wondering how to get over a failed cycle, the answer is: try again.

The bad news is that I've been battling a migraine since yesterday. The nasty kind that includes visual disturbances, and have you wishing you could just throw up to get it over with.

I've been keeping track of my symptoms during the IVF cycle (so much to obsess over!), and interestingly enough, I had a migraine on day 2 of last month's IVF cycle as well. It must be my body trying to adjust to all the hormones. My migraines always coincide with shifts in hormone level (around ovulation/menstruation), sleep pattern changes, and physical exhaustion.

Combine crazy early morning monitoring appointments, the extra hor-moans, and the drug-induced exhaustion and you have a perfect recipe for a migraine. Ugh.

I might not be feeling like myself physically, but emotionally, equilibrium seems almost within reach. Today, I hardly flinched when a friend-in-the-know, who was too afraid to ask about the IVF cycle outcome, got excited when I said I felt nauseous.

She: "Does this mean it worked?" she exclaimed excitedly.

Me: "No, I haven't had the heart yet to tell you the cycle didn't work."

She: "Oh no. I'm so sorry. I was hoping nausea was a GOOD sign!"

Other friend who has adult children chimes in: "I could carry them babies for you!"

Me: [Trying hard not to throw up] Thanks, but I'll let you know if I need help.

Then there was the email conversation with my sweet, usually empathetic sister-in-law:

SIL: I'm sorry your little nest isn't full right now.
(Wtf?! I may have eggs, but I'm not a bird, 'kay?)

Me: Thanks, I appreciate you thinking about us. (It doesn't help to correct fertiles, it only aggravates me more.)

SIL: You know, I'm so overwhelmed with everything I have to do this weekend. I am throwing a stork party for my daughter!"

Me: (Speechless) !!

Having a baby and NOT having a baby has NOTHING to do with one another. That is the worst effin' segway I'd ever experienced. And THEN she sweetly tells me that she understands how I feel. Let me get this straight: you have two kids, one of whom is reproducing with a boy she hardly knows, and you know how I feel? Come on. And I was in SUCH a good mood with the migraine already.

Now if I can only figure out how to protect myself from insensitive remarks from fertiles. Step one might be to remind myself not to tell any fertile about this cycle, because the support I thought I'd get from fertile friends has proven to be a mirage. The closer you get to the oasis, the farther it moves away from you. I do have a few close (fertile) friends who gets it, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I promise, tomorrow will be better. It just has to be.