Coasting along (IVF/ICSI #2, stim day 10)

Friday - Stim day 10 - ended up being the stim day that wasn't. Methinks I've built up "needle credits" in the universe, and that I was fortunate enough to redeem one last night. No stims, just Lupron. Coasting... what a concept. If I never have to see another Gonal-F pen it will be too soon.

I was so busy at work yesterday, that I only remembered to retrieve the cell phone voicemail with my blood test results and dosage instructions after 6 p.m. Thank goodness the nurse left a detailed message, because the clinic closes at 4 p.m.

Doing a second cycle has changed me. There is a calmness about the whole IVF thing I never thought I'd have the privilege to experience. Actually, it's probably 50% calmness and 50% exhaustion, because there's not much fight left in me after doing 2 cycles back-to-back. Thankfully, this cycle was 2 days shorter than the last one, but I'm twice as tired and uncomfortable this time around.

I'm almost resigned now, just rolling with it. I'm in "whatever" mode a whole lot more. Monitoring daily? Sure, whatever. Electrical stimulation with acupuncture? Sure, whatever. Halving my stim meds twice? Sure, whatever. Unfortunately, the little bit of excitement I could muster with the last cycle is also gone, but I hope to reclaim that after Monday's retrieval.

There's also an overall lackadaisical-ness. To the point where I did my shots a bit earlier 2 nights ago because I wanted to go to sleep really badly. I was a spaz with IVF #1. It felt like it consumed my thoughts every second of every day. For the two hours prior to the shots, I couldn't focus on anything else. The nurse said an hour this way or that way for doing the shots won't negatively impact the cycle, but with IVF #1, I did all the shots at the same time nightly - actually, to the minute!

I was watching a movie last night and realized late that I hadn't done the Lupron shot yet... I had better get my act together before tonight's 8 p.m. trigger.

Follies in the crockpot (IVF/ICSI #2, stim day 9)

Today's monitoring appointment wasn't at all what I expected. I hoped I'd be triggering sooner, but apparently not. The brash nurse - who needs to be reminded that she can't gesture with the hand that is maneuvering Wanda - said firmly, "You're not ready." (I think she could see the rebellion on my face: "Yes I am! Yes I am!" like a 2-year old. "Come on, follies, prove me right!") But alas, it was not to be.

I'm disappointed, but I don't want the RE to retrieve immature eggs for the sake of my comfort. We've come too far, these follies and I. Most of the follies are around 15 mm and they need to be at 18 mm. We're almost there, but not quite. The follies are in the slow cooker, which might not be a bad pace after all.

Yesterday, my lining was at 11, and they saw 9 follies. Today she measured 12 follies around 15 mm in size "with a couple more that might be ready by retrieval." Compared to the last cycle when we only ever saw about 8 right up until the end, things are looking up. Still only 2 follicles on the right, and 10+ on the over-compensating left ovary.

My estrogen must be through the roof, because they insist on close monitoring, and seeing me every day, tomorrow included. They have me almost coasting tonight, but not quite. Just 75 units of Gonal-F. I listened to the dosage message the nurse left on my cell phone three times, because she mumbled and I couldn't believe she said "75" and not "175." Just 2 clicks, that would be a piece of cake!

Tonight might be my last encounter with the Gonal-F pen... should I write "for this cycle" or "forever?" Either way, I might jinx it.

Stim day 12 - oh so blasé

I just completed injection #23 and #24 - the last of the stims before the Ovi.drel trigger tomorrow. The whole injection thing is totally overrated by now. It's become completely old hat. I even have my own little injection routine down to a tee.

Around 8:30 p.m. I take 2 minutes to remove the Gonal-F pen from the fridge and move it to the bathroom so it reaches room temperature by the time I do the injections 30 minutes later. (Cold injection = pain.) I then proceed to set up the crack house: alcohol swabs, Lupron vial, Lupron syringe and Gonal-F pen, and dial up the pen to the correct dosage. Then I'm off to go do something fun, like catch up with my IVF-friends via their blogs.

At 5 minutes to 9 p.m. I wash my hands thoroughly, swab my belly and let it dry while I swab the Lupron vial and Gonal-F pen. (The needle will burn if you stick it through wet alcohol on your belly.) I don't use any ice or Emla cream.

I insert the needle into the Gonal-F pen and set it aside. Then I draw up 5 units of Lupron, inject it, and discard the needle into my fancy little red home sharps container. Gonal-F is next: I pull out the tab to the dialed dosage and confirm, inject, wait 5 seconds, pull it out, and discard the needle. The whole process takes no more than 3 minutes. It's become so routine that I don't even think about it anymore. I'm like a Ni.ke commercial. Just do it.

What takes the longest, actually, is to find a suitably unpunctured, pristine spot on the belly. I've been working "around" my recent lap surgery and old appendectomy scars. I have only one bruise to show for the IVF injections - that ain't bad. After 24 IVF injections, and just one more to go - I am proudly wearing my battle scars.

Stim day 10 - discomfort is the name of the game

I had a really nice nurse for my u/s appointment this morning. She showed me the u/s pictures from Wednesday, and took the time to talk to me while she drew blood. Pretty follicles, but not many, unfortunately. About 6 on the left and 2 on the right - fewer than what I had hoped for. She was very encouraging, though, repeating the "quality over quantity" mantra.

The follicles are growing very slowly, which is good. I'm somewhat frustrated by the thought of having to inject Gon.al-F until Friday. This would mean 12 days-a-stimming... and a partridge in a pear tree. I'm pretty uncomfortable already, and can't imagine what Sunday will bring. Moan, moan, moan. How do you gals who have 20+ follicles handle it? Aside from the occasional twinge, there's no pain, thankfully. The "twinges" are nothing compared to the stabbing pain of Endo and cysts. But, I'm nauseous, with a stubborn, dull headache, and of course, the bloating. Oh, the bloating.

Looks like I'll be triggering Saturday, and heading to retrieval bright and early on Monday morning. I.can't.wait.

Stim day 7 - nightly countdown to 9 pm

It's really strange to suddenly have this nightly 9 p.m. stim commitment. I generally dislike structure and schedule; always have. Perhaps because this is the only contribution I can make to the IVF process, I don't mind it as much.

I'm generally absent-minded, but prefer to think of myself as "hyper-focused" on the things that matter, and just not caring as deeply about all the other minor details of life. My attention is fully focused on this IVF process now, and I catch myself subtly counting down to 9 pm all day long.

The whole IVF experience is so unreal, so violating, so inhumane, so excruciatingly emotional, that I think it's my way of beginning to process it all, not letting a moment slip by that I'm not realizing that I'm in this NOW. For good. For better or for worse. No turning back, no regrets about having tried, whatever the outcome.

Last night - stim day 6 - was the 2nd evening in a row that dh gave me the injections. Not because I'm squeamish (I actually prefer to do them myself - control freak), but because I need to force myself to let go sometimes.

Of course, while I was busy setting up the "crack house" as invitroveritas so aptly and hilariously described it, hubby hurriedly attached the Gonal-F needle without swabbing the rubber tip with alcohol. Surprisingly, I didn't freak out with a hormone-induced hissyfit. I calmly asked him if he had swabbed it, and he said he forgot. So, I said, "It's okay, let's remove the needle, swab the top and attach a new needle." Not that it would help much, but it made me feel better. He recapped the needle and tried to pull it off rather masculine-ly, instead of gently turning it clockwise to unscrew it from the pen. I was busy loading the Lupron injection when he started futzing with the Gonal-F pen, so I put the uncapped Lupron shot down.

I hadn't realized he accidentally bent the Gonal-F pen needle and it was now sticking through the safety cap at an angle. When I asked him to slowly hand me the pen so I could show him how to remove the needle, the thing bit me through the cap as I was unscrewing it - badly. Ugh. Now I'm bleeding, and we haven't even started the evening's shots yet.

So we get a Band-Aid, take a deep breath, and start over.

Then he points to the uncapped Lupron injection, and says, as he's reaching out to pick it up, "This is unsafe." Wtf.

I'm real proud of myself for not turning into Lupronzilla right then. That's unsafe? Ya think? How about you NOT swabbing the effin' Gonal pen, bending the effin' needle because you were struggling with it so violently instead of just asking for help, and then sticking.me.with.it. That's not unsafe? I could have jabbed him with it. But I didn't. I bit my tongue, smiled, and said, let's do the Lupron first.

It was one quiet victory in a sea of unsuccessful attempts to contain my raving lunatic lupron rage. Progress. Everything went smoothly and lovingly from there on out. Afterwards, I snuggled next to him on the sofa. Today he made lunch. We're all good.