Coasting along (IVF/ICSI #2, stim day 10)

Friday - Stim day 10 - ended up being the stim day that wasn't. Methinks I've built up "needle credits" in the universe, and that I was fortunate enough to redeem one last night. No stims, just Lupron. Coasting... what a concept. If I never have to see another Gonal-F pen it will be too soon.

I was so busy at work yesterday, that I only remembered to retrieve the cell phone voicemail with my blood test results and dosage instructions after 6 p.m. Thank goodness the nurse left a detailed message, because the clinic closes at 4 p.m.

Doing a second cycle has changed me. There is a calmness about the whole IVF thing I never thought I'd have the privilege to experience. Actually, it's probably 50% calmness and 50% exhaustion, because there's not much fight left in me after doing 2 cycles back-to-back. Thankfully, this cycle was 2 days shorter than the last one, but I'm twice as tired and uncomfortable this time around.

I'm almost resigned now, just rolling with it. I'm in "whatever" mode a whole lot more. Monitoring daily? Sure, whatever. Electrical stimulation with acupuncture? Sure, whatever. Halving my stim meds twice? Sure, whatever. Unfortunately, the little bit of excitement I could muster with the last cycle is also gone, but I hope to reclaim that after Monday's retrieval.

There's also an overall lackadaisical-ness. To the point where I did my shots a bit earlier 2 nights ago because I wanted to go to sleep really badly. I was a spaz with IVF #1. It felt like it consumed my thoughts every second of every day. For the two hours prior to the shots, I couldn't focus on anything else. The nurse said an hour this way or that way for doing the shots won't negatively impact the cycle, but with IVF #1, I did all the shots at the same time nightly - actually, to the minute!

I was watching a movie last night and realized late that I hadn't done the Lupron shot yet... I had better get my act together before tonight's 8 p.m. trigger.

Trigger happy

A colleague in the know commented tonight on how calm, happy and serene I am despite IVF. Anyone going through IVF knows that's the nicest compliment one could hope to receive, especially on the night you are triggering. We all aim to be relaxed, but it's not really an attainable or realistic goal when Lupron, stim injections, the stress of IVF, and a full time job is in the equation.

I've been trying hard to calm myself, and be acutely aware of this profound moment in my life. Although this path to parenthood has no guarantees, and is not for the fainthearted, I do find myself feeling surprisingly happy tonight. It's a strange feeling, one that I'm at odds with. I do feel trepidation for what lies ahead, but I'm also in somewhat of a celebratory mood to have reached this point. For the longest time I didn't know whether I'd be able to do this - financially, emotionally, physically. Biologically, I wondered whether I'd be a poor responder or someone who would easily hyperstim as my first RE had warned. Doing the trigger shot tonight was confirmation that things have gone well so far.

Yesterday's u/s still showed 6 follies on the left and 2 on the right. It's not a huge haul, and some follies were on the small side, but the nice nurse reassured me they'd all be ready by Monday's egg retrieval.

My fridge is empty, my sharps container is full, and my heart is bursting with excitement, happiness, and fear.