Monday, September 07, 2009

26w0d - Letting go

My friend Carrie is expecting 3 boys - the perfect complement to our 3 girls. Her efforts to keep growing her boys through multiple scares, while on hospital and now home bed rest, and caring for her young daughter has been nothing short of heroic.

Since Carrie asked for more frequent updates, and she has been my inspiration, I simply can't refuse. So here goes:

As we're gearing up for the girls, I'm also trying to let go and have faith that everything will work out with this high-risk pregnancy. Surely everyone in the IF community can identify with this apprehension.

As much as I've been bonding with the girls, feeling them kick and watching their progress on the ultrasounds, there is a part of me that is still super cautious. I thought that would lessen with each milestone: seeing the fetal poles, the first heartbeat check, receiving the CVS results, passing the first trimester... Now that we're just two weeks away from the major 28-week milestone, I know I won't begin to believe it will work out until they're home with us, and then a new phase of caution and fear will start.

Reading about NICU experiences and triplet losses have helped me understand that my optimism won't protect me from things going wrong. Will simply believing that everything will be okay, make it so? Or is that living in denial?

I guess I'm living somewhere on the fence between optimism and realism. I like to be informed: prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best outcome.

As a result, I've been holding onto my leftover IVF meds: a flare protocol cycle's worth of Lupron, Gonal-F pens, Ovidrel and prometrium. Although we paid out of pocket for our IVF cycles, the insurance miraculously covered our meds. After our failed cycle, I ordered a new round of meds, and then found out that our clinic would give us some meds through a grant program. After we signed on to the grant program, I found out the pharmacy wouldn't take the meds back. Since I didn't have any hope that cycle #2 would work, I kept the meds for cycle #3, knowing I would donate it back to the clinic if I didn't need it.

It's been like a mental safety net to open the fridge and see the Rx stockpile. I realize now that it is also preventing me from truly believing that my babies will be okay. So this week, I'll stop by my IVF clinic, drop off the meds and try to let go of some of the fears that have been holding me back.

I'm worried about walking into the clinic with my pregnant belly, and upsetting the other women. I'll attempt to go in the back way. I remember vividly how crushing it was to see a pregnant woman in that waiting room, regardless of whether she was a "success story" or there to support a friend. It made me jealous, weepy, angry and frustrated and I'd hate to do that to anyone else going through the life crisis that is IF.


Carrie said...

Thank you for the update! What a perfect post for where I am too.

I also have my leftover meds in the fridge... you know, that mental safety net you describe. I too will not fully exhale until the boys are safely in my arms- but when I feel optimistic, it is both liberating and panic- inducing.

Your attitude is uplifting- I am inspired by YOU! Big hugs and a tummy pat for the girls. XO

Katie said...

It's nice that you are sensitive to non-PG women! The day I went in to have a shot to abort an ectopic pregnancy there was a woman in the office showing off her newborn baby. Even though she was probably a success story, it was the last thing I needed in a place where I can usually count on not seeing and PGs!!!!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Good for you for recognizing that you are hanging onto the meds as a safety net. Any pregnancy after IF is a daily balancing act of joy and fear... I think you are doing a pretty good job facing a high risk pregnancy and knowing the stakes.

Michele said...

"I guess I'm living somewhere on the fence between optimism and realism. I like to be informed: prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best outcome." Oh, this is so how we are. Totally how we are.

I have to admit that getting the fridge empty of meds did help with our getting over a hump of "things being okay".

K said...

I just realized I haven't commented recently on your blog. But just wanted to let you know, I'm still lurking and reading. And of course, hoping everything is fine for you.

Anonymous said...

These days, with technology as it is....this entire process is miraculous - it can begin life and life is going to be and in the future. The good times and the not so good times (like wailing in the night piercing teething pain - for which very little can be done other than applying orajel and trying to pacify baby(ies). Letting go is simply opening yourself up to life and the possibility of facing it for what it is. It cannot be controlled - u can hope for the very best, and you have lots and lots of good wishes coming your way. HUGS, SHARON

Anonymous said...

PS. The massive difference between SA and that the clinic I went to in PTA was both an OBGYN and infertility clinic!!! I wonder why this experience was so much more fruitful.....although still fraught with angst! Nothing like sitting in the waiting room with pregnant women let alone hearing the heart beat monitor machine whacking away in the background! We are blessed we are where we are!! XXX

poppy.f.seed said...

that's great that you are donating the meds! I was a lucky beneficiary of donated meds! I know what you mean about not wanting to cause anyone with IF pain, esp. at the clinic!

My Endo Journey said...

I think it's fabulous that you can return them to the clinic. Can other people use them? And, of course we would be sensitive as former infertiles. It's so hard to have that look on your face, like, You have NO idea what we went through. You want to wear a shirt or something. I hear that.

I think it's great you are letting go of the meds. And, that you are optimistic. Optimism never hurt anyone! You'd drive yourself mad any other way! :) It's very inspiring too.

We are all rooting for you!!!!!!!

Kate said...

I'm glad I'm not the only nut with a cycle's worth of meds in the fridge and cupboard.
You're doing well for getting to this point - hope for a few more weeks for you and the babes!