Sunday, February 08, 2009

Obsessing about IVFing

Now that I’m forced to wait, I realize I’m getting utterly and joyously obsessive. It’s as if I have IVF OCD. I have read every IVF/ICSI blog I can lay my hands on, subscribed to IF forums, and have Go.ogled the heck out of every protocol on the planet. I have sobbed when reading about cancelled cycles, BFNs, and m/c as if they were my own, and have basically spent every waking moment thinking about IVF.

I’m at the point where I get annoyed if my husband dares ask me about anything else.
Him: “What would you like to do tonight?

Uhm, let’s think about this for a second.

Me: “Read about gonadotropins.” (I say this deadpan.)
Me (distracted, after a minute or so): “Why? What would you like to do?”

Then he sighs softly and walks away towards his laptop, kind of sulking, kind of relieved that I’m not engaging him in a discussion about Go.nal-F. He knows I'm hyperfocused, and he knows I need space. This is why I love him. He gets me.

I’m not really dreaming about a child(ren) as much as I’m thinking about IVF and its impact on our lives. Contemplating what I’m about to do, and how I feel about this point of no return that we’ve been approaching for ten years. IVF has been a vague possibility for all these years, something we’d get to when the time was right. But the time never seemed right, and now, suddenly it’s here, and in focus. And coming at me fast.

If we don't try IVF, we'll never know. And there's some comfort in not knowing. It keeps the hope alive.

I’m overwhelmed by the thought that I’ll finally know whether it’s possible for me to have my husband’s child(ren). I’ve always believed that if we had “intervention” in the form of IVF, we might just be able to realize this dream. I now know that if it doesn't work, I’ll be devestated, not only for the BFN, but for the whole belief being proven wrong. For being so stupid as to have believed that it might work for us.

Soon I’ll relinquish the last 1% of control (or the illusion of control), and just do. Just be. Just breathe. I’m at that tipping point where my destiny is to be revealed.

1 comment:

callmemama said...

You've expressed my fears to a "T". We're not at IVF yet, mostly because of $$ reasons, but also because of fear. I guess one day we'll just have to step into the rushing waters and see where they carry us.