Friday, March 06, 2009

Bleeding can't be good - 6dp5dt

It started 3dp5dt. At first, I was hopeful that the spotting was implantation bleeding. I was happily headachy, nauseaus, and crampy. And then the bleeding started with a vengeance. Now, after 3 days of non-stop heavy bleeding, I'm convinced it's my period. My hCG beta is Monday, 9dp5dt, so I have a weekend of pure torture ahead.

Dh is out of the country, and I can honestly say that I'm a mess. I spent yesterday in endless hopeless crying fits, and finally decided I needed to do something productive. So I gave myself a pep talk, got the vacuum cleaner and cleaned the house. I'll confess to ramming it into a few walls on purpose, just to take the edge off my anger and frustration. It didn't help one iota.

So there I was, on all fours, vacuuming underneath a cabinet, when the anger suddenly made room for the rawest sadness I've ever felt. I just lost it. I was in the fetal position on the floor, bawling, with the vacuum cleaner still in my hand. Ugly crying, the kind where your face contorts, and you can't catch your breath in time for the next sob.

I really don't know how to pick myself up from this dark place to try again. How do you do it? Where do I begin? I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to be devastated again and again.

These past few days I've felt as if I'm living someone else's life. This can not be happening to me. It was not supposed to end this way.

15 comments:

Alyssa said...

I am so sorry.

Lisa said...

I know how scary and sad it can feel...I am so, so sorry that you are going through this and going through it without your dh around has to be even tougher. ((HUGS))

Not to ask a stupid question or to insinuate assvice, but have you called your RE about the bleeding?

Carrie said...

Oh, I am so sorry. You are right: it is NOT supposed to go this way. I can't tell you how my heart sank as I read your post. I have felt that sadness after losses, and it seems as though you'll never be able to try again, I know. When does DH get home?

I wish I could give you a hug, but I can't, so know that you are so close in my thoughts. I know you are hurting so much, and I am holding you in my heart tonight and all weekend. Let us know how you are.

HUGS
Carrie

Lorza said...

I am so sorry for what is going on. I wish I was there to cry with you and give you hugs. {{{HUGS}}} This is going to be a long weekend for you- feel free to vent on here as much as you need to- we are all here for you. {{EXTRA HUGS}}
XOXOXO

justme said...

I am so sorry.

How much progesterone do they have you taking?


I cannot imagine how devastated you are right now...big hugs to you

Nicole said...

Oh gosh I am so so very sorry for what you are going through.

I wish I could actually be there to give you hugs while hubby is out of the country. Please hang in there, I know it must be so hard.

((hugs))

poppy.f.seed said...

Oh, I am so sorry. That is awful. With my first IVF, I started bleeding, early, and they were like "you can still be pregnant" but I knew I wasn't. I have never cried so hard. I think I just walked from room to room, sobbing. Awful.

If this is indeed, a negative result(you never know), I can share that it took me awhile to grieve and be ready again. I couldn't imagine trying again(failing again) I wrote a lot about it in my June 2008 blog, feel free to read.

One thing that made me want to try again was just knowing that often it is the 2nd IVF that works.

Thinking of you.

Emmy said...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

R.J. said...

My thoughts are with you too. I was totally devasted with my 1st ivf failure; I crawled into a fetal position in my bed and sobbed out loud for the 1st time in so many years. I hope your DH is back soon to make you feel better. Hang in there!

Mo and Will said...

Just catching up, and my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry you have to wait the weekend out to get any solid news and that your husband is away to boot. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Mo

Dana said...

i am so sorry.....i am thinking of you. i'll be on the floor with you crying if you need it.

Chelle said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I am on pins and needles waiting for you post today about the beta. Hoping that it will be okay.

Thinking of you...

Tiffanie said...

i'm so sorry. that fucking sucks. i'll be crying right with you, my IVF was just cancelled today. while i didn't have to go through the ER/ET, i also didn't get a chance to even possibly be pregnant. i'm horribly devastated right now. i never thought cancelling was even an option for me.

eve said...

I am also so very sorry to read your update today.

Eve

Anonymous said...

I have only logged into your blog this evening - I was wondering when your blood test will be... and waiitng out the weekend can only be torturous. DH away...hope he comes home soon - I'm going to call you soon. See through your bloodwork tomorrow and the result. I know you will get through this, hang in there, and keep connected! Indeed I know you are feeling hopeless right now, however you are a strong cookie! Many hugs, thoughts and prayers.
Love S