Monday, March 23, 2009

What If? in overdrive, the night before ER #2

Before I fell asleep Sunday night, the night before retrieval, I clung to Dh. The serenity of the past two weeks suddenly evaporated. He asked what was wrong, and with long pauses inbetween, I whispered all of my fears:

What if they don't find sperm on retrieval day?

What if my eggs are now overcooked on the higher stim dosage?

What if they find sperm, but the embryo quality is again not good?

What if I don't get pregnant this cycle?

What if the one frostie from the last cycle we have doesn't take during a FET cycle?

What if we can't afford another fresh cycle?

What if we have nothing more to freeze from this cycle?

What if infertility and IVF destroys our relationship?

What if I do get pregnant this cycle?

What if I have a healthy baby, but I'm a horrible mom? (can you see the downward spiral of anxiety?)

And on it went. I sighed, but didn't cry. Hubby just held me, and didn't try to talk me out of all the "What ifs?" Needless to say, I didn't sleep much.

6 comments:

Sticks and Stims said...

I hear you - I hope you have to work out the if I get pregnant part.

'Murgdan' said...

(hugs)...What if we were normal people who didn't have to ask ourselves questions like this...

Sorry the what ifs are there at all...

Carrie said...

I hate that you have all the what if's- I have them too. I am sure you are terrified and excited all at once. Your last two cycles FLEW by and you've barely caught your breath, I bet.

Sending you a HUGE hug.

Carrie

Lorza said...

So sorry!! {{HUGS}}

Megs said...

I hate the 'What ifs'. Hang in there. Sending lots of hugs your way!

K said...

I have all of these same what if's. Everyone single one of them. Although I have not been through the ice bucket or FET, it's still a what IF on my mind. My biggest what IF is about ICSI and DH's MFI affecting embryo quality. Sigh......I SO hear you...