Monday, March 09, 2009

9dp5dt - Beta Result

I POAS this morning, and the digital HPT showed, "Not Pregnant." Well, that's unambiguous in a cruel way. Thankfully, I started processing and crying a week ago, so by the time I called the clinic for the hCG results, it didn't even sting.

It was as I suspected all along: a Big Fat Negative. I'm all cried out now, which, I guess, is a decent place to be given the circumstances.

Thank you for your incredibly supportive comments. It helped me cope, just knowing you truly understand. Thank you for not judging me or telling me to snap out of it.

Thank you for not spewing platitudes like my IRL friends:

  • "The time is just not right."

  • "It was not meant to be."

  • "God must have a different plan for you."

  • "You can't lose hope now! You've only tried once!"

Thank you for offering to cry with me. Thank you for being sad, angry and frustrated on my behalf. Thank you for caring enough to leave comments. Each and every comment resonated with me, and was appreciated. I came back and re-read them a few times, but didn't feel up to posting until tonight.

The IF community is incredible. Because of your support, and the triumphs of those of you who are/were in the trenches with us, I feel like I may just be able to muster the courage to try and kick infertility's butt.

So, here I am 9dp5dt, trying to get myself out of this funk by counting my cycle blessings, and finding the silver lining:

  1. My FSH/E2 is <10.

  2. The flare protocol worked well.

  3. I stimmed better than we expected, and didn't get OHSS.

  4. My lining was normal

  5. The cycle didn't get cancelled

  6. ER was much easier than anticipated. Bonus: no nausea, very little pain.

  7. There were more eggs retrieved than the number of follies I thought I had

  8. The urologist found sperm!!!

  9. We spent $700 on PESA instead of $4,000-$10,000 on MESA

  10. 8/13 eggs fertilized.

  11. We had 7 growing embryos (not good quality, but not a bad number).

  12. Transfer itself was a non-event on the pain scale.

  13. We have one embaby on ice.


Lisa said...

I am so sorry.

I shudder when I read the things that IRL people say - I shudder even more thinking I probably said those things years plain ignorance and I should have looked into being a better friend...

I really liked your post - you had quite a few good things going for you. I have to say - this is my third full IVF - it gets easier in some ways and harder in others. The best part of this one for me was that I was able to blog about the entire process - there are some amazing women out there.

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry. bfns after ivf are so $*%&^ unfair.

those platitudes really sting - i can remember every single one people have ever said to me...

sometimes saying nothing is better.

mekate said...

I am so sorry too! I was away from the internet and missed this transition from maybe to no and I am so sorry-- your response was really good and I think it bodes well for a future cycle if you choose to have one. BUt for now, please take care of yourself- I agree with anofferingoflove, it is really unfair after all that effort and all that good luck (sperm!)- and I wish you nothing but good gentle and kind things.

Lorza said...

BFNs SUCK ASS!!!! I am so sorry. I wish I could be there to cry with you and give you hugs.

I was telling my best friend today- no one knows how we feel. Unless you have been there. Even among us IFers- we all are in different places of grief, excitment, # of times we have done it,etc. At least with fellow IF-ers we understand the lonliness of it, and the unique pain it causes.

With that being said- I think you did a great job at putting to words your thoughts. I am touched to see that you are seeing the good things that came out of such a shitty situation.

Just know that we are here cheering you on every 'type' of the way. <3

'Murgdan' said...

Hi there--just found you via the ICLW list. So sorry about your BFN.

Our first cycle starts next month...I can't even imagine how stressful this will be.

Carrie said...

I am sorry for this crappy outcome. I know nothing we can say will take the sting away, but I am thinking of you still and cheering you on from over here. HUGS.

cady said...

i'm so, so sorry. i cannot tell you how many times i've heard those things from people who got pregnant without even trying. they have no clue.

Chelle said...

I am sorry. My heart breaks a little more everytime one of my fellow sisters gets a negative.

((BIG HUG)) If was anything I could do to make it better, I would.

Sending you peace.

Megs said...

So sorry to hear this. IRL friends can say the stupidest things sometimes. Hang in there :)

Nichole said...

This is my first time on your blog and I wanted to come introduce myself. First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that this cycle didn't work. I know that pain all too well. I will be following your blog and you cycles. Best of luck to you!

Nicole said...

I don't think there is anything I could say that would make this alright. But know that we're thinking about you, sending you lots of hugs, and trying to see the positive right along with you. That's the best thing to do...albeit ridiculously hard.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Platitude suck. I've gotten to the point of shoving people's platitudes back in the well-meaning faces.

It's good to try to find the good in the ashes of the bad, but sometimes so very hard. Will you meet again with your RE to discuss your options?