Thursday, March 12, 2009

I'm seeing a pattern (IVF/ICSI #2, stim day 2)

The great news is that I'm already on day 2 of stims and feeling more optimistic than I thought I would. For anyone wondering how to get over a failed cycle, the answer is: try again.

The bad news is that I've been battling a migraine since yesterday. The nasty kind that includes visual disturbances, and have you wishing you could just throw up to get it over with.

I've been keeping track of my symptoms during the IVF cycle (so much to obsess over!), and interestingly enough, I had a migraine on day 2 of last month's IVF cycle as well. It must be my body trying to adjust to all the hormones. My migraines always coincide with shifts in hormone level (around ovulation/menstruation), sleep pattern changes, and physical exhaustion.

Combine crazy early morning monitoring appointments, the extra hor-moans, and the drug-induced exhaustion and you have a perfect recipe for a migraine. Ugh.

I might not be feeling like myself physically, but emotionally, equilibrium seems almost within reach. Today, I hardly flinched when a friend-in-the-know, who was too afraid to ask about the IVF cycle outcome, got excited when I said I felt nauseous.

She: "Does this mean it worked?" she exclaimed excitedly.

Me: "No, I haven't had the heart yet to tell you the cycle didn't work."

She: "Oh no. I'm so sorry. I was hoping nausea was a GOOD sign!"

Other friend who has adult children chimes in: "I could carry them babies for you!"

Me: [Trying hard not to throw up] Thanks, but I'll let you know if I need help.

Then there was the email conversation with my sweet, usually empathetic sister-in-law:

SIL: I'm sorry your little nest isn't full right now.
(Wtf?! I may have eggs, but I'm not a bird, 'kay?)

Me: Thanks, I appreciate you thinking about us. (It doesn't help to correct fertiles, it only aggravates me more.)

SIL: You know, I'm so overwhelmed with everything I have to do this weekend. I am throwing a stork party for my daughter!"

Me: (Speechless) !!

Having a baby and NOT having a baby has NOTHING to do with one another. That is the worst effin' segway I'd ever experienced. And THEN she sweetly tells me that she understands how I feel. Let me get this straight: you have two kids, one of whom is reproducing with a boy she hardly knows, and you know how I feel? Come on. And I was in SUCH a good mood with the migraine already.

Now if I can only figure out how to protect myself from insensitive remarks from fertiles. Step one might be to remind myself not to tell any fertile about this cycle, because the support I thought I'd get from fertile friends has proven to be a mirage. The closer you get to the oasis, the farther it moves away from you. I do have a few close (fertile) friends who gets it, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I promise, tomorrow will be better. It just has to be.


Carrie said...

I am so glad you are off on your next cycle! How exciting! Same protocol as last time or do you have to memorize new meds, etc?

I am on Day 7 of stims and looks like retrieval will be Sunday (day 10). It feels like the cycles fly by... hurry up and wait, I guess. I have every good thought in my heart for you this cycle! :)


poppy.f.seed said...

wow, you are already on day 2, that is amazing!
Sorry about the migraine and idiocy you had to deal with, with migraine.
...stork party... so not necessary to bring up!

My friends knew we were doing IVF, this time, but I asked them all to lay low and just pretend we were a 'normal' couple who they knew had started trying, but wanted privacy. That way, I get some good vibes my way, but NO comments. It has been helpful.
Wishing you a swift return from migraine land.

Lisa said...

Glad to hear the cycle is progressing! I too have limited what I tell people - it makes it sooooo hard when they say things like that.

When is your first follie scan?

Nicole said...

So happy you are off and running again...and you're right, trying again does help you move past the pain of a previous cycle (which is how come I've done 3 when I swore 1 was all we'd need!)

Lorza said...

I am sorry about your migraine. That totally sucks. I had one for 36 hours wednesday and thurs. I think I am about to start me period. (cd37- I should think so!)

Sorry about the stupid fertilisms. People are so darn clueless. I hate platitudes like "at least you are not gaining weight"(um, have you SEEN my butt lately???) and "at least you sleep through the night!!!"(I don't but it is b/c I am depressed or stressed).

UGH. It makes me ballistic when they say "I totally understand". Makes. me. want. to. shoot. something. With an Uzi. :) (um, just kidding DHS) Even among us infertiles we don't totally understand. We are the closest, but no one totally does. My MIL said that to me. I wanted to barf.

I hope you get to feeling better, and I am praying for this cycle to KICK ASS!!! (in a good way, ya know?)

Mo and Will said...

Yowza, and you didn't hit any of these people?! Amazing restraint. Seriously, i've found i have to limit my time around some of the fertile people i know when it gets to painful. all their understanding (while not understanding) looks and poorly delivered well-meant advice sometimes gets to be too much.

glad you're cycling again! it really does help to move forward.


Chelle said...

I am aso happy to hear you are off and running. I was nodding during this whole e-mail! I hear ya about the headaches, and your right-correcting fertiles just pisses you off more!

It is so hard to get crappy answers and comments from people that you think are going to give you support.


Hope your migraine goes away.

momsoon said...

Wow, your SIL takes the a**hole cake this week. Sorry, but I do relate (read my blog for some SIL doozies)...
I will add you to my blogs so I can follow, cheer and root for this cycle with you...peace and grow follies growwwwww!!!!!!!